And it's all in my head
by LadyDemolition
Summary: When Darren first meets Chris he can't help but become interested. He sees their similarities and yet he's too scared to step up. Once he does Chris is torn, not able to decide on what to do but Darren won't let go, not if Chris doesn't want him to.


It started as a stupid crush. Or at least Darren made himself believe it. It was supposed to be one of those man crushes he and Joey used to joke about once Darren came home the first night he'd been on set after dinner with his new co-worker. A nice, young man who, on top of that, was crazy talented and made it from nothing to everything in such a short amount of time.

He had gushed all night until Joey accused him of being "totally in love", as he said with a cheeky grin, causing Darren to punch him with a pillow when they were sitting on the couch.

"Shut up, man. I hate you so much!"  
"You love me." Joey said and giggled dorkily when Darren glared at him.

"He's just so awesome! He watched our musical, dude! He actually watched it, he even knew the words! And he has Sai swords and he actually knows how to use them and he likes Power Rangers and Ninja Turtles and he has Sea-Monkeys! How awesome is that?" Darren's eyes were sparkling brightly by then, wide and excited and Joey snorted, shaking his head at his best friend.

"Totally, helplessly in love, buddy. Can't help it." He laughed and turned to face the TV, ignoring Darren's fake pout.

The days passed and Darren would still come home from set, tired and worn out, but still a smile plastered on his clean shaven face and Joey would always tease him about how he looked like a 12-year-old.

He felt good, relieved now that he found contact quickly on the wide ocean that was Glee. He had been scared of getting lost first, floating around helplessly with no one to pull him out but then there always was Chris. The others were nice to him as well of course, but Chris Colfer had been the first person to ask him to sit with him for lunch. He felt like he was in high school again, hanging with the cool kid and basking in its popularity, grinning and nodding at everything he said but that sounded oh so negative. Chris was nice, caring and he'd ask him if he was fitting in well already.

Yep. Definitely high school.

The older man quickly found himself to grow more confident, he said hello to people he knew now, flirted with make-up ladies - earning the title "Prince Charming" from them - and he'd laugh and blush, waving his hand saying "Oh stop it" in that dorky way everyone seemed to love. It was good for him, being able to keep being the dorky guy he was, giggling about stupid jokes and being inappropriate when Lea was around, teasing the other girls about boyfriends and romances, making squishy faces and laughing obnoxiously.

Time passed quickly and Darren adjusted. It was a lot of hard work and he'd be sore nearly all the time, his voice drained and muscles aching but it was so worth it. He'd tell everyone; what a pleasure it was and how it was the time of his life.

He hadn't been hanging out with Chris a lot though. As far as he knew he was "occupied" in his breaks and he would always wonder with what exactly.

One day he decided to pay him a visit, knocking on the door to his trailer awkwardly, waiting for his soft voice to call "come in!". Darren stepped in, smiling warmly, a cup of coffee in each of his hands.

"Hey." He said in his low voice, smiling at the younger man who was still in one of Kurt's outfits, his glasses pushed high up his pointy nose, his full, flush lips stretching into a friendly smile when his eyebrows lifted, looking at Darren and closing his laptop with a sigh.

"Hi." He replied and dragged his hand over his hair, pulling away when he remembered he still had to do a scene and couldn't ruffle it too much.

"Uhm...how are you?" Darren asked awkwardly and Chris laughed lightly.

"A little stressed out but now that you brought me coffee I'm better already." He mumbled with a grin, taking off his glasses to rub his eyes.

"Yay!" Darren cheered and handed him his cup. "There you go, I hope it's okay." He grinned and Chris waved his hand, shaking his head. "It's perfectly fine, getting me coffee alone is really nice of you", he said with a bright smile and Darren felt his cheeks warm up a little. How old was he? 14? He felt ridiculous but somehow Chris had that effect on him, making him all shy.  
He never was. He was blunt and loud and outgoing but he was always so careful around the younger man, so caring and gentle, trying to make it all right and Chris had asked himself what this was about. But he knew Darren wasn't interested. Couldn't be and yet, in the back of his head, buried under screams of "No!'s" and shaking heads, he kinda wanted him to be - and who could blame him.

Darren was nice, good looking, had manners and was funny but yet again, unreachable. Too bad Darren thought the same about Chris.

The older man had probably figured it out sooner than he wanted to admit. He always knew he couldn't label himself, wouldn't let himself or anyone do it but there he was, Mr. Straight, and he felt like maybe it was better that way.

Chris on the other hand was confused by his actions. He would call him, text him, touch his shoulders and lower back whenever he could, making him flinch a little at the new found contact.

He wasn't used to getting touched like that, not as gently as Darren did. His hands were strong and warm and his touches so soft he felt like shivering when goosebumps spread on his skin.

They sat in Chris' trailer in comfortable silence and Chris asked himself why this didn't feel weird or awkward at all until Darren cleared his throat.

"So uhm..." he started, looking at Chris and why the hell was his chest fluttering? "Wh-what are you working on?" He didn't know what was happening. Darren didn't stutter, he hardly didn't know what to say but somehow Chris brought out all the sides of him that he didn't know before, that he was only now discovering and wondering where they'd come from.

"Oh." Chris said, gaping at him, his eyes looking around. This was new, of course his colleagues would ask him that but not guys he was into, they wouldn't care and he'd gotten really private about his work when he went out with friends who weren't involved in Glee. Darren looked at him intensely, interested and Chris bit his lip before answering. "Not many people know that but...I'm more of a writer than a singer or an actor even." He shrugged and now it was Darren's turn to gape and look at him admiringly.  
"You are?" He asked, swallowing thickly, completely captivated by Chris and his talent. How could a young man like him do all these things without ever getting tired of it? "What are you writing?" He kept asking, eager to find out more about his new friend and Chris let out a shy chuckle, blushing a little as his eyes flickered away.

"Oh just - I'm writing a movie", he said with a small, absent nod, looking at his closed laptop and the handwritten pages of notes that were covering his small coffee table. Darren was blinking, still looking at him. "Dude, that is so awesome! What's it about?"  
"I'm not boring you?" Chris asked with a tilt of his head and Darren frowned. "What? No!" He said and shook his head, turning in a little to look at Chris again, this time fighting the need to look away, look anywhere but into his piercing ocean blue eyes that were gleaming down at him. "Why the hell would you bore me?" He asked, sipping on his coffee before putting it down again, reminding Chris that he had his cup still in his hand, playing with the lid absently.  
"Because normally not many people are that interested in my work outside Glee", the younger man said and Darren let out a huff. "Well, then they're stupid." He laughed and nudged his shoulder, causing Chris to flinch a little and smile at him nervously.  
"Do I - do I make you uncomfortable...?" Darren blurted out and closed his eyes as if that could erase his words.  
"N-No...just - it's...it's okay." Chris stammered, hating the fact that he wasn't able to say what he meant. He wanted to tell Darren why he made him uncomfortable because he did. At least in some way because the young man was simply not used to that much body contact, so much care and interest, all the attention had always made him anxious but that much coming from someone he semi-liked - or who was he kidding - liked a lot was too much to handle for him at that point. Darren made him feel warm and tingly and his chest fluttered as his breath hitched in his throat and made his heart pound against his ribcage but he couldn't let him. He couldn't give himself this peace and want and need he felt. It kept Chris up at night and his mind busy when he was alone in his house with too much room and nothing to come home to but dirty laundry and dishes from the night before, ruffled sheets of the bed he had turned around in so many times he lost count the previous night when he started screaming in his sleep again.

No, Chris Colfer had never felt so lost. He didn't know how to handle this situation so instead he just looked at Darren with a faint smile, making Darren's chest sting. "You sure?", he asked and Chris just bit his lip hard and nodded but Darren didn't believe him. He had messed up. He was sure he had.

Darren left after some awkward minutes of the silence that once had been so comfortable and relaxing, but not anymore. They could tell there was something between them that kept them from saying what they were really thinking and Darren himself had never been more sure that he was crushing. And fuck, Joey had been right all along.

The older man let out a shaky breath when he came home, calling for Joey but he wasn't there yet apparently so he walked to the fridge to get himself a cool beer and some of the leftover food to put in the microwave.  
He sat down on their couch and rested his heavy head in his hands, shaking his head, pounding his fist against his temple. What was he even doing? He wasn't too upset about being in love with Chris - and wow, where had _that_ come from? Darren opened the bottle and took a huge gulp, sitting back with a shake of his head. He wasn't upset about Chris being a man, he had always known sexuality was fluid and once he fell for someone, he would accept it, no matter who it was as long as he felt they were worth it.  
Three beers later, Darren fished out his phone, typing a quick message and before his dizzy mind could tell him "No!" he had already pressed send.

Chris' phone vibrated on his table when he was sitting in front of his TV, watching a rerun of "The Real Housewives" halfheartedly chuckling and texting Lea every now and then, wishing she could be there with him. He could use some distraction, especially after Darren had left his trailer, leaving him more confused than he'd ever been before.

**1 new message from Darren Criss - 11:24pm**_  
"I'll take a step back, I promise. I'm sorry." _

The younger man frowned, shaking his head in disbelieve. What was that even supposed to mean?  
He stared at the text a little longer before biting his lip, letting his fingers glide over the buttons of his phone.

**1 new message from Chris Colfer - 11:32pm  
**_"What do you mean, Darren?"_

Darren let out a shaky sigh and ran his hands over his face, thinking about a way to explain, rephrasing what he wrote too many times before taking a deep breath and pressing "send".

**1 new message from Darren Criss - 11:59pm  
**_"I'm being stupid. As always actually, I should just get the fuck away and shut up before I mess up more than I did already. Again, I'm sorry, I'll let you enjoy your night off now."_

Chris didn't know what to think at this point, shaking his head with another furrow of his eyebrows, letting his head tip back against the couch. He sat up, tucking his leg under his body before typing again.

**1 new message from Chris Colfer - 12:07am  
**_"Darren...what do you mean? You didn't mess anything up - you brought me coffee and we talked, we're co-workers, friends I hope and I don't know what you're referring to. You're not stupid, I can tell. It was fun talking to you because it was freeing to talk about my work with someone who would understand...I'm sorry you left before I could tell you more, if you even wanted to hear more that is."_

**2 new messages from Darren Criss - 12:38am  
**_"I want to know more, believe me. I want to know you better because..."  
"I think I like you more than I'm supposed to."_

Neither of their phones made another sound that night.

They had the next day off and Darren was slowly going insane, checking his phone every free second and honestly? So did Chris.  
He knew he should respond, text back at least something, but what? He hated exposing himself like that, hated knowing that someone could see him open like that. He shivered when his phone vibrated against his thigh and he quickly pulled it out of his pocket, frowning.

**1 new messages from Darren Criss - 2:13pm  
**_"I get if you don't want to talk to me anymore now that I spilled it and god, I'm so sorry but I just can't help it...you're so amazing with your talent and you're a nerd, just like me and...you actually were the first person I could properly gush over Transformers with, without being judged and...wow I'm an idiot. I'll shut up now and see you tomorrow...at work - sorry."_

Chris bit his lip so hard it started to bleed. "Fuck!" He cursed and wiped at it, still frowning as he sat back to call Ashley. He knew she wouldn't spill anything when he told her, not even when she was drunk, she was definitely not a Lea Michele.

Meanwhile Darren was going crazy, he waited for Joey to come home before he finally let it all out.  
"I screwed up!" He yelled from the kitchen once he heard the front door open. Joey furrowed his brows and tilted his head. "Dude...what the hell?" He asked and Darren dragged his hand through his curls, frowning.  
"You - don't look happy", his best friend said and Darren gave him a silent gleam. "Oh, no shit!" He spat and rubbed the back of his head, feeling bad for yelling already. "I'm sorry...I just - am kinda out of it." Joey nodded. "I noticed...you only ate two pancakes instead of three this morning, got me all worried", he joked and Darren rolled his eyes, slumping down on the couch. The other man joined him and turned so he was facing him. "Buddy...what's going on?", he asked softly and Darren bit his lip, shaking his head. "You were right", he said dryly. "You were right all along and I feel like the biggest dumbass in the whole world." Joey nodded, not sure of what to say. "Well I'm sure there are bigger ones in the world - like -" he stopped when he noticed tears were welling up in Darren eyes and he pulled him into a hug, rubbing his back. "Sorry...", he mumbled and Darren choked with a silent sob.  
They stayed like that for the night, Joey was just holding Darren tightly, not daring to ask what was wrong.

"Is this about Chris?" The younger man asked him the next morning. Darren's curls were a mess and the bags under his eyes were another sign that he hadn't slept at all. He just nodded, letting out a bitter huff.  
"Hey..." Joey said softly and Darren just raised his hand. "No.", he whispered and Joey stayed silent during breakfast.  
"I'm sorry. I'll tell you when I can." Darren said and kept sipping halfheartedly on his coffee. He didn't feel like eating anything.

Chris himself didn't really feel any better. Ashley had yelled at him for not stepping up, for not "going to get him!". And she had been right. Darren was a catch but then again, Chris was young and scared and busy and - he just wasn't sure how this worked.  
It wasn't like he hadn't had a boyfriend before but they just never were _it_. Some boys he'd dated before were nice, but too demanding and some were just plain insane so he figured that being alone wouldn't be all that bad... if only his loneliness wasn't so present. He didn't even know why he was so torn himself. He wanted Darren. God, he had wanted him since day one but he hadn't _let_ himself. Now that he actually could, Chris was too scared, too shy, too - _Chris_.

It had been three days when Darren was lying in his bed. Alone and his head empty. Except for Chris who was constantly on his mind nowadays. He felt miserable and the hours on set were dragging now that Chris and him didn't really talk. He picked up his phone from his nightstand, knowing it was a terrible idea, but what did he have to lose?

**1 new messages from Darren Criss - 3:01am  
**_"I don't want you to hate me."_

Chris had been working on his book when the message came through, biting his lip again. He really needed to keep himself from making this a habit, he told himself before looking at his phone. He felt like crying when he read it. How could Darren think he'd hate him? And then he realized. He had been a terrible person. He had ignored him on set pretty much all the time and - he never texted back that night. The younger man frowned and quickly texted back because - whatever. Not that it mattered now. It was now or never.

**1 new message from Chris Colfer - 03:15am  
**_"I don't hate you."_

**1 new messages from Darren Criss - 3:17am  
**_"Then why?"_

**1 new message from Chris Colfer - 03:24am  
**_"Do you know this intense feeling of fear...? That kind when it's hard to breathe and every time you think you can take another step on a broken bridge while the bricks are falling apart under your feet, you just know you'll fall into the abyss no matter what you do?"_

**1 new messages from Darren Criss - 3:36am  
**_"It's nearly 4am Chris...I have no clue what you're saying..." _

Darren waited about one hour for another text. He hadn't even closed his eyes once.

**1 new message from Chris Colfer - 04:22am  
**_"Can you come over?"_

With that Darren got up, tip-toeing out of the apartment without waking Joey who had fallen asleep on the couch, as always, and left the house to get into his car. He didn't even care about how wrecked he looked. How his curls were pressed tightly on his head, his glasses slipping from his nose and his face covered in stubble as he dragged his feet over the asphalt.  
He drove faster than he probably was allowed to but he couldn't care less, he had always been responsible but this was just too much for him and he needed to talk to the man who had been on his mind for weeks.  
Darren all but ran up to Chris' front door, ringing the bell and waiting, shivering as the cold air hit his bare neck and he really wished he would've at least put on a hoodie.

Chris got up quickly, his heart beating so fast it felt like exploding any time and he was absolutely numb, his chest hurting and fingers tingling as he opened the door.  
"Darren I -" Darren couldn't take it, he slid his hand into Chris's smooth chestnut hair and pulled him in for a gentle kiss, just the press of their lips against each other as they moved together for a few seconds that felt like hours. Chris was the one to pull away, shaking his head. "Darren, I can't -" Chris whispered only to be cut off by Darren's huff. "Why the hell not!" He yelled in frustration and cleared his throat when his voice broke a little.  
"Come in first." Chris said quietly and stepped to the side, his voice quivering as well as his legs.

Darren walked into his house and next to Chris, turning and waiting for him to close the door. Chris walked up to him and stroked a loose curl from his forehead. "Why can't you just allow yourself to be loved, Chris?" Darren whispered brokenly and Chris shook his head, walking over to his couch to sit down. "It's not that easy." The younger man said, pulling his legs up to his chest.  
"Tell me why then...don't you think I deserve to know? If you don't hate me...what is it then? I told you I liked you but you never said 'I like you too.' so you must at least dislike me", he said and Chris felt like someone had stabbed a dagger through his heart. "I do like you, Darren." Chris mumbled helplessly, earning a confused look from Darren.  
"Then why won't you let me - like you more? Why won't you let me get to know you better? I...I thought - I thought we got along pretty well and - " Chris interrupted him quickly. "We do. We do, Darren it's just - not as easy." Darren let out a shaky sigh and slumped down next to him. "Tell me please...I want to - understand."  
"I fuck up.", Chris whispered and let out a humorless laugh. "I don't understand", Darren said.  
"I'm scared.", Chris mumbled and Darren froze.  
"It's only me..."  
"It's **not** _only_ you", the younger man said and hid his face in his chest. Darren hesitated but gently wrapped his arm around the other's broken frame, rubbing at his arm gently. "Don't...please...don't make me fall for you." Chris whimpered and Darren shook his head, scooting in closer. "Please...you don't have to be scared with me. Never." The older man whispered and held Chris closer, not feeling him struggle. He was completely still. "I don't want to be scared anymore Darren, I don't...but y-you're just - you're so perfect in my eyes...too perfect and I don't want to screw this up - this friendship but - I already did...I just...I'm not good at this.", he whispered. "Relationships I mean...I can't seem to make a guy like me for longer than two weeks", Chris said bitterly.  
"I'll tell you a secret...", Darren whispered into his ear and Chris nodded weakly. "I suck at this too...but remember how negative and negative equals positive? I-I think we can make this work", he said, his voice shaking a little and his face lightened up in surprise when Chris laughed, honest to god laughed.  
"Is that - what-what does this mean?" Darren chuckled and Chris shook his head. "I don't know", he whispered, turning to face Darren. "Y-You're just...such a fucking dork and - " Darren giggled. " - and so are you", he whispered. "Maybe it's good that we're so...similar. Let me - let me show you that you don't have to be scared with me. Ever. Okay?" Darren asked quietly and Chris nodded. "O-Okay...I'll try...I promise." The older man shook his head. "You don't have to. Don't...just - let yourself go for once...don't think so much...one day your brain will explode with all the thinking you do." He chuckled and earned a playful punch from Chris. He smiled softly.

They sat in silence until Chris spoke up again. "I'm cold", he whispered and Darren nodded. "Can we...go to bed?" He asked and Darren nodded softly, getting up and offering his hand for Chris to take. He held on to it tightly, feeling the warmth spread through his body as he was pulled up, taking the lead to guide Darren to his bedroom. The large bed was still unmade when they stumbled into the room and suddenly Darren was glad he'd not changed out of his sweats. He sat on the mattress and waited for Chris to slip under the covers before sliding up next to him as well, cuddling close to his side, resting his head on his broad chest, closing his eyes when he could hear the other man's steady heartbeat. "Kiss me...I need to get out of my head..." Chris whispered softly and Darren moved up to place a chaste kiss on his lips, but Chris just rolled to his side so they were face to face, tangling their legs under the covers. "Are you sure about this?" Darren asked, wrapping his arms around his waist, squeezing at his hip and Chris shivered lightly, nodding. "Yes", he said and the older man leaned in slowly to kiss him again lovingly, allowing Chris to take control over the kiss. The younger man let his tongue trail over his lips slowly, tracing the curves and softness before sliding it between them, testing. Darren let their tongues meet in a gentle dance, swirling and tasting, licking against each other and a soft hum escaped him.  
Chris pulled back with a shaky sigh a few moments later, his hot breath hitting Darren's tingling skin. "This has never felt so right", he whispered and Darren could swear his heart broke and swelled at the same time. "I'm glad it does...it does for me too..." he whispered and kissed him again, keeping it slow and passionate and Chris' hands found his hips, fingertips digging into the fabric of his sweats as they trailed up to where his shirt had ridden up a little, exposing a patch of smooth, olive skin. Chris let his fingertips trace over his skin, smiling against his lips. "I really...really like you Chris", Darren blurted out and kissed him again before he could say something but the younger man only shook his head and pulled away a little. "I really like you too Darren...w-will you - stay?" He asked softly and earned a frantic nod from him. "Good..." he whispered before kissing him once again, pulling away with a soft hum. Darren's hand trailed up Chris' side, making him shiver under the gentle touch. He slid down his arm with calloused fingertips until he could feel Chris' fingers move against his. They laced them together, squeezing, holding on and allowing themselves to fall into the sparkling warmth, the sinking feelings in their stomachs.  
The younger man nuzzled closer, kissing Darren's neck, just letting himself float, not overthinking for once, but just _doing_. Darren let out a soft mewling sound and tangled their legs together more so their hips were flush against each other. Chris' hand let go of the other's and splayed on his lower back, pressing him close when he slid up against him absently.  
Before they knew it their hips were rolling together in a slow, deep rhythm. Soft pants and gasps fell from their kiss-swollen lips as they moved in unison and Chris' blunt nails dug into Darren's back when he moved a little harder. They were aching and wanting and yet so relaxed and centered on nothing but the things they were feeling that release didn't matter. It was only them, moving, touching, tasting and their hands that pressed into firm muscles to get the other even closer even though they were already breathing the same air, their lips barely touching but resting against each other, harsh breaths heaving their chests. Darren kissed Chris again deeply, letting his tongue find its way into the warm, smooth cavern of his mouth, licking against his tongue before tracing soft patterns into it, making the younger man moan softly. "Dare..." Chris whispered, not sure what he wanted or why he said his name but he felt the familiar heat boil in his belly, making him shiver and hold onto the older man tighter, clinging and rutting and rolling his hips against his own, whining softly when his body stilled and he felt the heat release, shuddering and still moving until Darren's vision blurred and he closed his eyes as he shivered against Chris's warm body. "F-Fuck..." he groaned and Chris kissed him hungrily, licking into his mouth and sucking at his lower lip, smiling at him warmly when he pulled back. "S-Sorry." Darren whispered because he knew they weren't supposed to do this. Were they?  
Chris shook his head and let out a stuttering laugh. "N-No...please...don't be sorry about this - please don't regret this..." he whispered and Darren pulled his spent body into a long embrace, rubbing his back gently and kissing his sweaty temple. "I'll never", he promised and Chris huffed.  
"They always say that", he spat and Darren nuzzled his neck, whispering into his ear.

"But I'm not them. I'm _me_. And you're too precious to me to just leave."  
"Promise me you'll be right here when I wake up", Chris demanded weakly and Darren nodded against his heated, glowing skin. "I will. I'm not letting go", he said and Chris allowed himself to be swallowed by the darkness that surrounded him, letting his eyes close when he took one last deep breath, Darren's scent all around him, reminding him that he wasn't dreaming.

Darren didn't leave.  
He never did.  
Chris would tell him he was crazy to still be with him because he was insane and Darren would ask him if he remembered what he told him that night. A soft smile would spread on Chris' lips and Darren would peck his soft lips, letting his own linger for a while before chuckling and getting up to order take out for the both of them.

"We're both messed up, that's why we work. He's a geek and so am I. He writes movies, I write songs. We just fit, like - pancakes and nutella." Darren said when he and Joey had their traditional breakfast one morning, pointing at his plate and the younger man laughed and shook his head. "And I wondered how he can bear with you. Now I know I guess." He rolled his eyes jokingly and ruffled through Darren's curls when he had gotten up to punch his shoulder, leaning over the table and nearly knocking over their glasses on the table..

"We just work", Chris explained to Ashley with a shrug and let out a shy laugh, earning a hug. "I'm happy for you", she said and patted his back.  
"I'm happy too.", he mumbled with a faint smile and for once allowed himself to be loved, letting himself fall into the intimacy and warmth Darren offered and he was sure, this was something he couldn't screw up because Darren wouldn't let him and wouldn't let himself.

They didn't leave.  
They never did.


End file.
